What to do About the Prevalence of Abuse Towards Women

This is an ironic topic to write about, in light of Mother’s Day just passing. However, the prevalence of men and boys being disrespectful and abusive to their female counterparts astounds me. I’ve seen so much of it lately.

A Teens Only’s photo against domestic violence was posted on Facebook recently, that said, “Real men don’t hit women.” And the one comment about it said, “Real women aren’t whores.” I was stunned. I wanted to respond to it but held back, thinking it wasn’t worth feeding into this guy’s anger.

Then I saw a post on Linked In about a male lawyer that approached a woman at a business convention and asked, “Who’s taking care of the baby at home?” Talk about trying to undermine a person’s sense of integrity. That one prompted a never-ending thread of responses!

On Dr. Phil, “Whore!” and “Garbage!” seemed one man’s favorite references to a woman he’d been in a long-term relationship with (May 1, 2013). I was surprised the good Dr. allowed this man to berate his partner outwardly like that on his show. Good ratings, perhaps. Although, telling this guy straight out that abuse toward women is not accepted on his show would have sent a clear message to the guy and other men watching.

And sadly, upon completing a three part series on bullying (“Strong Communities: A Buffer Against Bullying, Healthy Living Magazine, Spring 2013), I learned of the rape, bullying and resulting self-hanging of Rehtaeh Parsons. No charges were laid for the “alleged” rape and the case was dropped. What kind of message does this send? Is it really ok to rape someone, take pictures of it, and then pass them around the school for over a year, until she takes her life? And what’s wrong with the kids that think this is funny or that know about it and don’t do or say anything? This is wrong on so many levels.

And as a mother of a little girl, compassion can only begin to describe my feelings for what Rehtaeh suffered, and for what her mother must be going through.

And if these stories weren’t enough in a short time period, W5 featured a story about women in Delhi, India being at a huge risk for getting raped if they’re out after dark (“Rapes and assaults against women paint an ugly picture of India,” April, 2013).

One 23-year-old woman’s death sparked public outrage and international attention. “Gang-raped, she was punched, bitten and tortured with a metal rod. Her internal injuries were so severe, her intestines had been torn apart,” according to W5. This is what it took for India to start to change its laws.

It’s sad that such a horrific crime has to happen before people really take notice and act. Why aren’t we acting before women are brutally harmed?

The more we stand by and allow harm to come, the more it will. At the other end of the spectrum, the more we stand up to it, the more we prevent it. Action is critical.

We can refuse to be bystanders to disrespect toward women – on any level, volunteer with organizations that support this cause, and model empathy, compassion and provide positive role models for our children (in this case, especially boys), and help them express their emotions constructively (or get support where needed), so they don’t escalate as they get older.

And we can instill self-worth in our girls. According to Dr. Sears, M.D.:

•  Being responsive and listening, says, “You’re worthwhile.”
•  Quality time together, sends the message, “You’re worth my time.”
•  Setting her up for success, by helping her develop her talents and skills, teaches her, “I can.”
•  Loving her for who she is (regardless of her achievements), tells her, I am valued.”

The following is also a great link - for men, kids and teens (girls and boys), women and concerned friends - with tips for information regarding ending violence against women.
http://www.women.gov.on.ca/english/recognizing/wapm_tips.shtml

The more we reach out and support each other the healthier we’ll all be.


Related Articles

1. “The Family Stress of Bullying,” Healthy Living Magazine (Volume 10, Issue 1).
2. “How to Combat the Stress of Bullying” Healthy Living Magazine (Volume 9, Issue 4).
3. “Social Connections: People Fare Better When They Flock Together,” Alive Magazine (July 2010). 
4. “I Hate You!” Patterson, C. A., Syndicated Column, (May, 2013).    

Sources

1. CTV News, “N.S. teen took her own life after rape, bullying, mother says,” (April, 2013).
2. Frayer, J. M., W5, “Rapes and assaults against women paint an ugly picture of India,” (April, 2013).  
3. Public Safety Canada, “Bullying Prevention in Schools,” A study by the National Crime Prevention    Center (NCPC), (2011).  
4. Sears, B., M.D., “12 Ways to Help Your Child Build Self-Confidence,” (2013).  
5. Government of Ontario, “November: Woman Abuse Prevention Month – Tips,” (2013).

International Women’s Day / Week

“Strong women…strong world.”

I can’t imagine writing about anything more important right now (except my daughter—but that’s a given).

March 8th is our day (and week) women! It’s “a global day celebrating the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future,” as described by the IWD organization, at: http://www.internationalwomensday.com/. The first IWD was 1911, and has maintained it’s significance ever since.

It was proclaimed a day for our rights and international peace, according to Status of Women Canada (SWC). They describe it as an opportunity to “celebrate progress toward equality for women and their full participation, reflect on the challenges and barriers that remain, and consider future steps to achieving equality for all women, in all aspects of their lives.”

Personally, I think it would be a great tribute to connect with each other—fellow genders—on that day (through FB, Twitter, and other mediums) to discuss things such as what this day means to us, people that have inspired us, and to share and learn about anything relating to it, in an attempt to acknowledge this important event.

Just as we reach out to loved-ones on birthdays and other special occasions, we can reach out to each other, to embrace and show our appreciation for one another in society. We really have “come along way baby” in many regards. Why not embrace it?

If this day has meaning for you, mark it on your calendar, and plan a way you can celebrate it with other women. Is there a way you can support your fellow gender—drop an email to say hello, comment on a blog, send a tweet, join a site… We’ve earned this day. It’s only fitting to own it.

I can’t think of a better way to show our appreciation for those who persevered before us—and made it possible for us to be where we are today—than to rise to occasion, and be supportive of each other.

I hope you’re as excited about this day (and week) as I am. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this—ideas, comments, anything. After all, for once it’s all about us!

The following are some links FYI:

International Womens Day site: http://www.internationalwomensday.com/
Women Watch: http://www.un.org/womenwatch/feature/iwd/
Status of Women Canada: http://www.swc-cfc.gc.ca/dates/iwd-jif/index-eng.html
(note: you can copy the IWD logo above, from this site)

Social Support: We Need Each Other to Thrive

In light of all the current media attention to bullying issues, it begs consideration about the well being of our society, on a very basic level. In an attempt at being hurtful (whether it be kids or adults engaging in it), we’re destroying the very thing we need – each other.

On one hand, we’re hurting one another, or in a worse case scenario, killing, such as the instance of Trayvon Martin, in our attempts at feeling superior in some way; yet on the other hand, we can’t survive with out each other, as friends, family, a community or society.

“We’re social creatures, and each one of us contributes to the larger picture. We need each other to thrive, not only in our daily endeavors, but also for the sake of our emotional and physical health” (“Social Connections,” Alive, 2010).  

Studies confirm that the greater our social support the lower our physical and mental health risks.

And according to Statistics Canada, “Nearly two-thirds of those who felt a very strong or somewhat strong sense of community belonging reported excellent or very good general health. In contrast, only half of those with a very weak sense of belonging view their general health as favorable as those with a strong sense of community belonging.” 

So, if we need each other, why are we hurting each other?

Be it modeling negative behavior, wanting to fit in, feeling frustrated or angry and lacking a viable outlet, or any other reasons that many of us have heard about (or used), there’s always a justification. A more viable question might be about where we draw the line.

How do we go from being destructive, to kind and respectful to each other? That’s a big question that probably has many big answers to go with it. But any of us can start anywhere, at anytime, in tons of simple ways.

Some people live by the motto of “treat others the way you want to be treated.” Others enjoy the idea of “random acts of kindness.” The list goes on. Bottom line is that we are stronger together – collectively. “Having close relationships makes people feel valued, cared for, increases self-confidence…” ("Strong Communities," Healthy Living Magazine, Volume 7, Issue 3).

We’re more than just a FB page, or the recipient of a text or a tweet, taking up space somewhere.

John McKnight put it well when he said, “A community is commonly understood to be about relationships; it’s not a place. A neighborhood is a place, but community is about people’s relationships” (1990). Regardless of the venue – be it in person or online - we are a community, brought together by common goals.

We’re people, with real needs and feelings, not objects to ridicule and punish.

With the prevalence of issues like bullying, it’s time we exerted greater effort toward being a stronger network for each other, with more kindness, and less pain.

“As a society, we share the earth. Collectively we’re faced with issues, such as global warming, natural disasters, and the limited supply of our natural resources. In order to be successful in our collective goals, we need to be supportive of each other. We all have strengths and resources we can utilize to reduce the stress and chaos among us. We need to draw upon our strengths to contribute to the health of our society” (“Social Connections,” Alive, 2010).  

Related Links

Movie “Bully”

Trayvon Martin: “Neighborhood Watch Killing”

"The Prevalence of Bullying: Not Ok"

“Social Connections: People Fare Better When They Flock Together” (Cheryl Patterson, Alive, July 2010)

“Strong Communities Buffer Against Stress” (Cheryl Patterson, Healthy Living Magazine, Volume 7, Issue 3)

Sources

1.Canadian Mental Health Association - Richmond, BC, Canada, “Maintaining Your Mental Health: Social Support,” 2009.  http://www.cmha-rmd.com/spt.html

2. Statistics Canada, The Daily. “Study: Community Belonging and Self-perceived Health,” 2005. http://www.statcan.ca/Daily/English/051221/d051221c.htm

Movie: “Bully”

Anderson had a young boy, Alex Libby, on his show today that was the target of bullying on his school bus (a situation my JK girl and I are also struggling with). And the beauty of this – if you can imagine any – is that it was recorded.

The daily experiences of Alex and four other students were recorded and made into a movie called “Bully.” According to ABC News, this movie covers the daily struggles that the five students faced – two of which committed suicide… Apparently it will be in theatres at the end of this week – the 30th.

If this seems like a plug for the movie, it’s because it absolutely is. This is such a prevalent issue, and it deserves all the attention and compassion in the world.

I hope “Bully” creates the awareness that the issue needs, so better strategies can be put in place in schools.

Anderson showed some clips of how bullying was being handled by some principles involved – making the victim of physical aggression shake hands with the bully, and reprimanding him because he didn’t show enough enthusiasm, but rather hesitation while doing so…indicating that he was hurting the bully and was now somehow just like him.

Another clip showed the principle referring to the bullying kids as golden during times she was on the bus, as if to discredit the parent’s complaints all together.

In some way I feel surprised and disappointed for the victims and parents. But simultaneously, I’m not surprised after having gone through similar problems.

Two weeks after I complained about the bullying conduct toward my daughter on the school bus, the driver gave her a slip (wrote her up for misconduct, instead of the bully), even though she went up to him with tears in her eyes, telling him the bully just kicked her.

And the principle suggested she might be lying, or that she was the one acting out on the bus because of my assumed reaction to her complaints of being bullied, even though I had witness feedback indicating otherwise.

So, the surprise here isn’t the bullying, but rather the lack of support while dealing with it, which sadly seems all to common, based on other parents I’ve talked to as well, who have experienced these situations too.

I guess that if the victims are blamed or somehow discredited (our principle saw my daughter upset once in her JK class…), they don’t have to deal with the bullying issue anymore. If the victims retreat back into their shells or are somehow silenced, the situation is resolved – goes away - for the authorities that are supposed to be dealing with it.

So, this movie seems to be coming out at a time when we desperately need it. Not only is it reflective of the prevalence of bullying and the impact it’s having on our kids, but also of how poorly the issue is being handled in our schools.

Hopefully, those involved with dealing with this issue - bullies, teachers, principles and others - will be forced to be more accountable (one can always wish…).

I’ve always believed that a little support can go a long way… And I truly hope so in this case. I hope “Bully” brings about the change that’s needed.

I haven’t been to a movie in a long time, and don’t usually feel the desire to do so, until now. I believe this would be money well spent…

Links:

Anderson show
www.andersoncooper.com/2012/03/26/bully-movie-alex/

ABC News
abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/03/bully-documentary-to-be-released-as-unrated-after-online-campaign/

Neighborhood Watch Killing

What year is this? Because if you tell me it’s 2012, I might have a hard time believing it, based on what happened to 17-year-old boy, Trayvon Martin. Ironically, he was pursued and killed by a so-called neighborhood watch guy, George Zimmerman, in Florida recently.

My heart sank, as I watched the distraught parents of Trayvon on Anderson yesterday, struggling with what happened to their boy 25 days ago. Apparently, he was just walking home from a store, talking on his cell to his girlfriend, and minding his own business - not lurking, or carrying drugs (but rather, skittles, for his younger brother), or posing a threat to anyone…except this self-appointed watch guy.

Anderson played the recording of Zimmerman calling 911, giving the impression that somehow this young boy walking by was a threat. And against instructions, while carrying a gun, he pursued Trayvon and killed him. That boy must have been some threat... Or should I say the color of his skin was…

According to ABC News, the police missed Zimmerman possibly muttering “f**ing coons” under his breath during a 911 call. And the case is now being investigated further, as a possible hate crime, which is something the public has been pointing to all along. (Was it really the recording…or was it the public outrage about details such as this one that sparked the investigation?)

Zimmerman claimed self-defense, but apparently people nearby saw and heard otherwise. So, maybe it wasn’t as cut and dry as police initially treated it as – not taking this watch guy in, checking his history, doing toxicology tests, or much else - other than setting him FREE!

What’s wrong with this picture? You can just kill a teenager and go about your business?

On a positive note… There are flaws in this case. There was a lawyer on Anderson expressing issue with the fact that this man pursued the teen, while carrying a gun, and killed him. This has to stand for something, right? I certainly hope so.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to these parents, and their son, whose life was taken too early. And I hope this killer has to face up to what he’s really done, which isn’t protecting the neighborhood…but disgracing it and the rest of society.

Links:

Anderson show, March 21, 2012
www.andersoncooper.com/2012/03/21/trayvon-martin-tracy-martin-sybrina-fulton-father-mother-justice-will-be-served/

ABC News
http://abcnews.go.com/US/neighborhood-watch-killing-911-tape-reveals-racial-slur/story?id=15966309

$78 Million Dollars Returned: A Cultural Affair?

Wallets and safes totaling $78 Million dollars were found in the post rubble in Japan, and turned in by residents, according to The Huffington Post (August 18, 2011).

Apparently this is a stark contrast to what usually happens after disasters. “While looting often becomes an issue post-disaster, it’s been the exact opposite case in Japan,” writes the Post.

Many would assume this as an incredible feat of honor, or so you would think… Upon viewing reader’s comments for this article, it was surprising to see so many mixed views.

Some people thought the story was one sided and/or manipulative (in an attempt to promote a positive view of the country), another felt it an example of why cultures shouldn’t be mixed together (an irrelevant point in my books), others said Japan has people that steal just like any other part of the world and found it undermining to the U.S., and many were touched by the honesty, and felt it was reflective of how much the culture valued acts of honor.

“Integrity” and “ethical awareness” were some of the descriptions used in reference to this culture in the Post article. But are these kinds of acts only unique to culture?

In this instance, cultural values may have been the motivation for returning the money. Asian cultures are known for their sense of collectivism and conformity. The Japanese are quoted as saying, “The nail that stands out gets pounded down” (David G. Meyers, Social Psychology, 1997, p. 248).

In contrast, western society is known for living according to individualistic values, often doing what feels right as a unique person. Unfortunately, it’s not always seen as favorably as collective cultures, even though motivation that stems from personal values - outside of the expectations of others - can be just as honorable.

North Americans have contributed millions of dollars to relief funds, in support of natural disasters – in and outside of their own countries - to places such as Japan, New Orleans and others desperately in need of help.

People do things for different reasons – peer pressure, to project an image, or because it’s characteristic of their personality (i.e. to care and genuinely want to help, regardless of what others think).

Honor comes in many forms. And thankfully, we can arrive at the same goals regardless of our motivation – there are many venues to achieve what we want as a society.

Regardless of why Japan residents returned the money, it’s still a positive gesture, warranting appreciation. It’s a great example of compassion, and a good reminder about where we want to stand in the world as groups or individuals.


The Huffington Post, link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/18/japan-earthquake-ethical-_n_930808.html

The Prevalence of Bullying: Not Ok

“Nadin was beaten up, dragged through the streets, put in a tree and then hung from a fencepost by seven schoolmates, and no one came to his rescue,” described The View about a boy they had on the show Friday February the 4th to discuss his recent experience.

People actually walked by and saw this abuse and did nothing about it, until a woman finally stepped in to help him.

Chatari, a 12-year-old girl with cerebral palsy, had condoms thrown at her, along with being hit and pinched, and right in front of her bus driver day-after-day, and nothing was done to help her. Fortunately for her, her father, James Jones stepped in, and under no uncertain terms…

It’s not surprising when you see parents such as James get so fed up they take matters into their own hands, out of frustration (even at the cost of being charged).

We are a society educated about bullying, yet we walk by and do nothing while someone is being hurt… How is this ok? And in Chatari’s situation, continuously being abused right in front of a school bus driver…?

“It is the responsibility of the driver to maintain control over the students on his/her school bus at all times,” indicates the school bus transportation guidelines, in the registration kit I received upon enrolling my daughter in kindergarten recently.

Isn’t this a universal expectation—we entrust our children to the care of schools, and in return they have some kind of guidelines to ensure safety is in place? Yet bullying remains so prevalent…

I recently learned about my nephew being bullied in kindergarten, and not wanting to go to school. Upon volunteering in his class, his mother noticed the bullying occurring right in front of the teacher, who did nothing about it. So, she stepped in and let the kids know their behavior isn’t ok. And it’s not just unique to children.

Tyler Clementi, 18, was a university student when he committed suicide last fall, after learning that a roommate broadcast an encounter with another male online. What more does it take for us to step up and help?

Frankly, when I hear these kinds of stories, it makes me angry. It would take everything in me to hold back from wanting to do what James did (without the language and life threats), if it were my daughter. As much as anger doesn’t always solve problems, it’s hard to watch our children being hurt, let alone abused. And in this day-and-age it doesn’t even make sense.

We seem to be progressing at lightning speed in so many areas. Many minority groups and cultures are breaking moulds and boundaries all the time. Yet simultaneously, people are still suffering so much (there are thousands of stories we don’t hear about) at the hands of those that liken themselves as superior.

Like I said, it makes me angry, as I hope it does others—enough passion to propel us toward a society that has less tolerance for abuse, and greater compassion toward each other.

My hope is that we continue creating awareness and educating each other about these critical issues, which not only hurt our children and us in the moment, but also will continue to wreak havoc and plague us into the future if we do nothing.

Even in the midst of pain from the loss of their son, the Clementi family hopes for a better future. “‘Our hope is that our family’s personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity’” (CNN, October 4, 2010).

We have to stop assuming things are fine and that someone else is going to handle the unsettling situations we see, and start caring enough to try and do something about it.

The following are resources for bullying:

The World Health Organization, “Prevention of Bullying-related Morbidity and Mortality: A Call for Public Health Policies.”
http://www.who.int/bulletin/volumes/88/6/10-077123/en/

Stop Bullying Now, What adults and kids can do to stop bullying.
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/default.aspx

Education.com, Bullying Information Center. Reducing the problem of bullying.
http://www.education.com/topic/school-bullying-teasing/

Human Rights Campaign, information for schools and youth.
http://www.hrc.org/issues/parenting/schools.asp

Canadian Mental Health Assoc (CMHA), A list of links/resources for everything about helping kids – dealing with bullying, depression, suicide prevention, kids help phone, youth at risk, and much more.
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=4-41-190